Door of Hope Counseling Resource Center

April to June 2002 Newsletter

THE MOURNING AFTER…

 Christendom grieves for its faithful servant, Martin Burnham, a New Tribes Missionary, who was killed in a rescue attempt by the military last June 7 in Zamboanga del Norte along with the 48-year-old nurse, Edibora Yap.  Reports showed that when the firing stopped, soldiers found Martin’s body covering his wife, Gracia.  He was shot in the back.  Gracia has since flown to the U.S. to rejoin her children.  Martin has been finally laid to rest there, too.  Our heroine, Edibora, was also sent to her final resting place in a small town in Basilan.  (During their long captivity there were opportunities she could have escaped but she chose to stay and tended to the Burnhams.)  There were many mourners who came and weep with Edibora Yap’s family and friends.  But amid the tears, Yap’s youngest child, Lawrence, was the picture of innocence.  He was spotted playing with his cousins as his mother’s tomb was being sealed.  He is unaware of the magnitude of his loss…

 The death of a loved one, a parent for this matter, is always shocking.  We think that when a parent dies after having been ill for sometime, we have more time to prepare.  But in reality, no one can totally prepare for a parent’s death.  Rebecca Abrams, a noted bereavement counselor, and author of “When Parents Die” wrote that however a parent dies, it would always be a shock.  Usually, death is unexpected.  For the young people who had no previous experience living without their parents, the impact of death can be devastating.  Abrams further wrote that parents who die in tragic and violent circumstances is extremely hard to accept and come to terms with especially at a time when life is confusing already for the growing teens.  It makes it all the more difficult for them to do things that are normal for young people.  Violent deaths can leave them feeling the world has become unsafe and unreliable place to live in.  Nothing can be trusted and valued anymore.  Often we tend to assume that because the Burnham children  are  believers  they  can easily cope up with their parent’s death.  But the Burnham children as well as the Yap children are humans, too.  Just think of how the older children are experiencing emotionally.  Their feelings of anxiety, anger or fear must have been hard to tolerate.  Emotional withdrawal is the only way to cope up with the situation.  They must be feeling utterly alone in their loss and grief.  To allow time for the children to grieve is vitally important.  To not allow them to grieve is to push them further in their sense of isolation.

 Death that is not properly grieved for at this time can have problems later in life.  Most often there is little support for young people whose parents have died.  While it’s ok to talk about their parents who died now, adults may tend to insist that they hurry up and dare to go on with life.  It is unloving to put a tremendous pressure on the young to erase their parents from their lives.  We have to bear in mind that they are already torn between wanting to forget and feeling scared to forget!  The whole process of mourning will take much longer for these children.  What they need at this time are adults around, or a trustworthy, loving community, who will understand what they’re going through.  The coming months, even years, without the parents they love will seem unbearable.  Grief is hard work but with time and with someone caring enough to journey with them in their mourning, they will learn to move on with life.  Grief may revisit them again perhaps later in life, but if the young people are helped to understand the peculiar workings of old grief, that, too, will become endurable.

Counselors’ Updates . . .

 Arnel and Sonia Berana

 While waiting for the funds to come in to build a structure for the shelter, we have decided to use our parental house located in Lucena City proper as the temporary shelter.  It has four bedrooms.  At present we are ready for any referrals and to admit battered women and women suffering from sexual abuses. Services will include housing them, counseling, to make them involved in gardening, Bible studies and livelihood projects.  As a couple we are also involved in three Bible studies among the youth, women and mixed group of men and women.  They see that ministry as God’s grounding work in the community.  We praise God for the good relationship we have with the people there.  The DVBS that was held last May was a real success.  We only prepared for 60 but 131 kids came instead. Since then the youth fellowship had also increased in numbers.

 Arnel uses most of his time to plant rice, develop a fishpond and make cabinets as a preparation for the future shelter.  I spend one week a month at  the counseling center to give counselors support, direction and encouragement. I am also involved as board member of Mission Ministry of the Philippines (MMP) and Philippine Association of Christian Counselors (PACC).

 There is a serious concern that we see in the community. Your prayers are urgently needed as we confront the evil systems at work in that small barangay. Powerful and influential people are behind acts of prostitution, gambling and possibly even drug pushing. We are training and mobilizing the new believers to pray against such evils.

 We will appreciate your prayers for the following:

AIMZ DELMENDO

For the past months I have been counseling with a thirty-eight year old male client who suffers from schizophrenia. In one of our sessions he evaluated his own progress. With his permission I summed up the things he shared that I am certain will be of encouragement to all of you as it has been an encouragement to me as his counselor. I will be referring to him as Victor (not his real name). Schizophrenia contributed to Victor’s depression for which he sought counseling. Over all he emphasized how talking to somebody about his personal concerns is really important. Keeping things to one’s self only leads to unnecessary suffering. Victor valued the awareness of the illness and his own symptoms that helped him understand his limitations. He also claimed to enjoy a more balanced life as he attends to his personal, family and social needs. He used to be overly focused with his own thoughts. Discernment of good company also helped him. Victor chooses to be with people who aids in the upliftment of his self-esteem. “Prayers help a lot!” he shared with much enthusiasm. He emphasized taking one’s religious experience seriously. “I have the initiative to help my self,” he explained with confidence. He has disciplined himself in going to the doctor and regularly taking his medication. He explained that without initiative there would be no progress. Victor also excitedly shared about having a very active social life that springs from being committed. He boasts that he is no longer “half-baked” in his commitments to people. He further added, “Now relationships are more important.” He tries not to neglect contact with friends and battles against isolation. He involves himself with family activities that he used to ignore. He also highlighted how he controls his anger that is directed towards actions he cannot tolerate and not towards the people themselves. I rejoiced with Victor in his progress. Healing may come slowly for a person who struggles with a mental illness but it does come . . . in God’s sovereign ways!

KITT MOLINA

 Leda (not her real name) came for counseling four months ago. I have evaluated her progress and noted that the persistent source of her distress can be understood by taking into account her history.  Her mother died of terminal illness when she was four years old and her father’s remarriage left her and her older siblings to the care of her grandmother.  I worked on a grief program for Leda.  It was hard work but Leda’s ability and willingness to face her difficult issues and the pain related to these issues has helped in her progress.  I concluded my session with her through a “Letting Go” Ritual.  (Rituals are symbols that help bring to the surface unresolved feelings and unnamed blocks that have been buried in our unconscious. Rituals help these feelings turn into something personal and meaningful.)  While the room is well lighted, a candle was lit to calm her.  At first Leda felt awkward but later got herself centered.  I placed flowers on the table that she drew in a piece of paper as a personal memorial for her mother.  Leda vividly recalled her mother’s love for flowers when she was still alive.  There was soft music in the background and I took a straw cord about 2 feet long.  I held the ends of the cord with my hands.  I shared to her that the cord symbolizes an umbilical cord that feeds and keeps the baby attached to their mother when they are in the womb.  After they are born, they don’t need the cord anymore.  If it is not cut, it will cause the baby harm.  That was the cord that has tied her and her mother to life all these years.  (That explains why she’s drawn to older women.)  Even after years her mother has died, Leda held on to it in order to keep her alive.  The cord still hasn’t been completely cut.  I asked her to pick up the scissors.  She took the cord in her hands and cut it in half.  I asked her to blow the candle and bid her mother good-bye.  In a letter she wrote for her mother, she put, “…when I was lonely, I imagined you beside me and I telling you everything—what I think and how I feel.  I imagined your love and acceptance for me: you had your arms around me and I was cuddling beside you.  I felt safe and warm.  But you left a long time ago.  And I have to learn to live without you, until we see each other in heaven.  I hope to be able to identify you then.  I surely miss you and love you…Anyway, the Lord is here with me.  He’s with me always, wherever I am.  I now tell Him everything—what I think and how I feel.  He would give me a gentle smile and would look at me with the most gentle eyes... I’ll see you someday…Bye!” I saw tears brimming in Leda’s eyes.

NEWSFLASH!