Door of Hope Counseling Resource Center

Newsletter January-March 2002
Email us at doorhope@tri-isys.com
After many months of planning, prayer, preparation and promotion, the one-day seminar on soul friendship entitled, "Soul Friends and Guides, Nurturing Spiritual Growth through Relationships" finally came to reality on February 17 at Greenhills Christian Fellowship. This was a joint venture between the Philippine Association of Christian Counselors (PACC) and the GCF Pastoral Care ministry. Around 750 people came, representing Metro Manila churches (a few came all the way from La Union & Baguio) and various ministries. Our speaker, Dr. David G. Benner, Ph.D., C. Psych., is an internationally known author, lecturer, consultant and retreat director based in Ontario, Canada. For the past 25 years his work has focused on the development and practice of a spiritually-sensitive depth psychology and the nurture of a psychologically grounded Christian spirituality.

The following is a summary of the seminar:    
     Dr. Benner started off by laying down the foundation of soul friendship which is the very character of God. Friendship is integral to who God is. The three persons of the Godhead relates to each other in perfect harmony and invites us into relationship with Himself (John 15:15). The emphasis of soul friendship is accompaniment  more than friendship. In our churches and fellowships, it is a fact that we often don't know the details of another's spiritual journey. We've settled for superficiality in our relationships within the body of Christ. But it is crucial to our Christian growth to have someone journeying with us with sufficient knowledge of our condition, people who ask us tough questions and with whom we can share our struggles and pain. Accompaniment is also possible by authors through books that we read and interact with.

Characteristics of Soul Friends.
     Soul friends seek to see each other through God's eyes which is based on grace, who we are in Christ, and our calling, who we were intended to be in Christ. God sees each of us as potentials and possibilities and wholeness. As soul friends we give up our own agendas for others, but we become attentive to the fulfillment of that calling. We seek to recognize what God is doing in our friend's life as he seeks to align himself to God's calling. Soul friends accept each other unconditionally, with a desire that you'll become all that you can be, thus abandoning all agendas to change the other person. After all God Himself does not coerce us to change.

What's Involved in Soul Friendships ?
     Firstly, Soul Hospitality, which is offering ourselves to others where we just seek to listen to him, and both of us to God. It is an invitation to meeting at the level of our souls. To offer soul hospitality, one needs to offer space, not external space, but an internal space which presupposes setting aside pre-occupations and distractions. There is a need for stillness, quietness, and I can be quiet only by my learning to be still before God. It's being a quiet place where I invite you to enter, and where the other can be quiet because of my stillness. Benner quoted the American poet, William Butler Yates, who described soul hospitality as a still quiet pool at the center of my being to invite others to rest and reflect on themselves and see themselves more clearly and perhaps live a fiercer life. The third ingredient of soul hospitality is spiritual and emotional safety, which means I can be safe to share all my struggles and still feel safe in your presence.

     Secondly, Presence. Presence means attentiveness, I am available for you and be there with you. It's bringing myself to the encounter, setting aside my thoughts, my agendas, and not thinking of what I'm going to say, even risking not saying anything. The focus is on the other, not me. Dr. Benner noted that we've a tendency to ruin the sacred moment by filling it up with activities. He warned against presence becoming merely a technique especially in the context of counseling.     
     Presence involves openness, vulnerability. I receive you into my life. By making myself available to you, I'll not be the same person due to the encounter. Dare I risk that ? Presence involves congruence. I present myself as I really am, what you see is what you get. I come with my real self, with no pretense and I'm not merely playing a role.

     Thirdly, Dialogue. Dialogue is not conversation, mere exchange of ideas and opinions. It is not discussion or debate; not exchange of information, not preaching, not witnessing. Dialogue is, according to Martin Buber, an "I-Thou" encounter which is sacred and enhances the other person's humanity. It is not an "I-It" encounter where the other becomes an object, stripped of his humanity. Dialogue is non-manipulative, I have no agendas for you, and I'm not attempting to make something happen. Dialogue honors separateness - you are not me! It involves sharing from both the heart and head. It is built around shared inquiry and mutual exploration. It supports the growth of both understanding and appreciation for mystery. Dialogue honors questions asked, and questions aren't always to be answered. Some questions need to be lived, not answered. The rich gift of dialogue is part of the nature of the Christian transformation journey. There is a need, in counseling, as well as in !
our Christian communities, to bring dialogue back as an intimate personal encounter.
    
     Things that support dialogue : Silence, verbal stillness. Don't talk too much. Friends of deep soul engagement talk less with each other. Trust. Respect, seeing the other through God's eyes as a person with infinite worth (even if you don't like him!) Vulnerability and honesty.
    
     Things that interfere with dialogue : Judgementalism. A need for some specific outcome - having your own agenda for the other person. Lack of genuine interest in the other person. A lack of time. A lack of attentiveness. The presence of control.

     Here's a checklist to evaluate our soul friendships :
· How much do I long for (& prayerfully seek to understand and support) God's vision for my friends ?
· How do I rate the quality of the soul hospitality and presence that I offer ?
· What things interfere with these gifts of self ?
· What limits the dialogue I experience with others ?
· What's God's prayer (longing, vision, calling) for me as a soul friend to others?

     In the afternoon sessions Dr. Benner talked about soul mates, the possibility of being a soul mate in marriage, as husband and wife journey together in intimacy and mutuality. Indeed being soul mates in marriage (being one soul in two bodies which feels like I've found the other part of my soul) is a high ideal, but not an unrealistic expectation for couples. It is a gift to be received and treasured, not an accomplishment, and not something to demand.

     The seminar ended with Dr. Benner giving an overview of Spiritual Direction, the Roles and Expectations (What do you desire from God? What do you expect from the spiritual director?), the Focus (Finding God or discerning God in all aspects of life), and the Process (prayerful listening and co-discernment). The role of journaling in spiritual direction was discussed. My journal is a place where I converse with God, it is a record of my soul journey and where I write my reflections. The crucial question asked in spiritual direction is, "How have you been experiencing God and how have you responded ?" It is interesting to note that mutual direction is possible between husband and wife, between friends and colleagues. In fact, Dr. Benner's spiritual director is his wife, Juliet!

     Dr. Benner authored the following books: Care of Souls, Free at Last, Strategic Pastoral Counseling, Choosing the Gift of Forgiveness, which are still for sale at Alliance Biblical Seminary.

WHAT'S UP AT THE CENTER ?

· Eight Door of Hope counselors, together with 27 other counselors and church leaders went on a five-day retreat on Feb.19-23 at the Canossa House of Spirituality in Tagaytay City with David and Juliet Benner as spiritual directors. It was a silent retreat where we were invited to enter into solitude and in the quietness learn to discern the voice of God. The retreat afforded each participant an opportunity for personal spiritual growth within a contemplative Christian  context. Periods of solitude were supported by lectures and discussions as well as individual spiritual direction. Each day afforded help in the disciplines of prayer and journaling, and the ancient Christian tradition of guided meditation (lectio divina) on the Word of God. In the evenings, we had group reflections on the life of Christ by means of slides of paintings by great artists like Rembrandt and Michaelangelo. Mrs. Benner, who led us in this innovative approach, noted that "as finite beings, we use symbols to help us center on God." We  allowed ourselves to be surprised by encounters with God in unlikely sources. Our daily themes centered on hearing God's call, knowing God and knowing ourselves, and surrendering to God's love. The retreat was concluded with a communion service held at the chapel which gave a majestic view of Taal Lake and Volcano. Since we were contemplating on our belovedness by God and Christ's ultimate sacrifice on the cross, partaking of the bread and wine at the altar became a most memorable and emotional communion service we ever experienced.
 
· Two BSOP students majoring in Pastoral Counseling are presently having their practicum at the center. They interact with our counselors, experience a taste  of what counseling is like for themselves, watch teaching videos or listen to audio tapes on various counseling issues. They also join our once-a-month group supervision. Providing practicum opportunities for counseling students is part of our goal as a counseling resource center, and we are glad to have our first batch of practicum students. Here is an excerpt of one student's practicum experience :
· Lillian Yu Tan - Sometimes I ask myself how I could be an effective counselor someday if I myself have lots of struggles and emotional baggages from my past which I haven't faced ? I am grateful for the personal counseling that I have with one of the counselors at Door of Hope. This has helped me tremendously, especially since this is the first time in my life to work on my femininity, my temper, and other faulty thinking that have become my way of life. .
 
 Update on Counselors
 
· Potsky Albarico - for the past months she suffered from physical ailments due to stress. She also experienced personal dealings from God regarding her own issues. We praise God that she's doing well now, healthy, and open to learning many things from God. Please pray for her as she counsels at the center on Mondays. Pray for her daughter Hazel's health, and the family's financial support, that they may be able to raise their monthly family budget.

· Sonia & Arnel Beraņa - An exciting thing has happened in the lives of Arnel and Sonia, a vision is coming into existence! After a long period of time praying and seeking God's financial provision, they were able to acquire back the land from their tenants of 47 years. The 10,000 sq. meter land is situated in Lucena and is Sonia's inheritance from her mother. The plan is to use it as a shelter for the sexually abused and battered women. The vision is to make the shelter, called Esperanza, a self-generating ministry by helping the women create livelihood projects suitable to their interests and capabilities. Alongside the shelter Sonia and Arnel will also start a church planting ministry in that community. They are praying that God will call in two couples who will be their team mates in this endeavor.  If you know of any couple who might be interested please call Sonia at 913-7976 or 867-1961 for more information. She will gladly answer the questions you might want to know about their ministry. Sonia will continue to counsel at DOHCRC from Tuesday until Thursday and will be in Lucena from Friday until Monday. They will need and appreciate your help through your prayer support. On February 11, Sonia spoke to a group of women belonging to the Brethren churches in Tanay, Angono, Taytay and Binangonan about counseling and its benefits to facing personal as well as community issues. The women got interested and they were very eager to learn more about this people helping ministry.

· Cesar Cong - In counseling men, whether adults or young people, I learned they share common struggles with finding significance in their life through performance.

Dante (not his real name) came for counseling because he wasn't happy anymore with his job despite his promotion. He had difficulty relating with his immediate boss, a woman, who had a different perspective about the way he handled the office work. He had a lot of worries about his family's future. He felt that his self worth is based on what his capability, his position, and his net worth in terms of earnings. As men, we will always find ways and means to satisfy our longing through our work,  unfortunately, we will end up still feeling empty. Men will only find fulfilment and satisfaction in life through God who offers life.
Cesar completed another semester of counseling Grades 4 - 6 boys at St. Stephen's Shalom Student Center. He is making an impact among the boys as a mentor. Please pray for him as he serves as a counselor at the upcoming Youth Gospel Center summer camp on April 2-7 in Baguio City. He will also serve as a counselor for the St. Stephen's Youth Camp, also in Baguio.

· Aimz Delmendo - In a retreat that we recently joined, David & Juliet Benner instructed us to be extra sensitive to God's presence and impressions. I made a vow to follow their instructions. Each time I opened my Bible, uttered words of prayer, or sit in silence, I hoped to hear from God and experience Him. Though I left those moments refreshed, deep within I did not feel God speak to me. I tossed and turned in my bed for several nights, distraught with God's silence till heavy eyes gave way to sleep. One morning, as I was about to brush my teeth, the words, "I have always been with you," flashed in my head. I heard from God at a time that I was not expecting Him. I experienced God's presence in the ordinary. He is truly God of all, even God of the ordinary.
  Aimz continues to counsel with men on their journey towards sexual wholeness and relational integrity. Please pray that he will continue to be an instrument of divine influence on these men. Pray also for the continuous privilege of counseling with a family to help them discover the God-given resource of connected hearts in battling issues that threaten the family. Aimz also facilitates and counsels a support group for church workers together with another Door of Hoper. Pray for sensitivity to the Holy Spirit's agenda in the lives of these servant-leaders.
 
· Jane Lee - We were meditating on Jesus' anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane one morning at the retreat and we asked ourselves what is God's invitation to us. His invitation to me was "Come, share in my pain and anguish." My initial reaction was fear. Do I have what it takes to share in His pain and anguish ? I'm afraid not. My natural tendency is to want a pain-free life, to stay in my comfort zone. But God assured me through my meditation in Isaiah on the Suffering Servant that He has walked ahead of me, and He will walk with me. He will be with me in my personal pains as well as when I share in another's pain.
 

Pray for Jane as she ministers to a woman who has lost her passion for God. She has thus lost her anchor and life has lost its meaning. As a result she has a lot of fears, doubts, confusion, and struggles with stress. What an opportunity to journey with her and to cooperate with the Spirit's work of restoring her into a vital relationship with God.

 Jane also gave a seminar on Basic Counseling for the staff development of  Lutheran Hour Phils. held at Tagaytay on March 1. The Lutheran Hour produces the Tagalog drama series with a Christian message, May Ningning ang Buhay, which is aired all over the Phils. They receive a lot of mail and phone calls, sometimes requiring counseling assistance. Hopefully, the counseling principles the staff have learned will equip them to better address the issues brought up in letters and phone calls.
 
· Kitt M. Molina - I was one of those privileged to have attended a retreat in Canossa House of Spirituality. It was so unlike my previous experiences with "Christian retreats." This was the best retreat I've ever had ever since I became a Christian. Before each session started. Mrs. Benner led us by reading a short passage from the Scriptures. We were asked to become quiet and relaxed. In silence, we were asked to listen attentively and say aloud what we sensed, felt, thought, and heard from the passage. At first, I had a hard time focusing. But as the text was read through twice, thrice, I stayed with it. In silent listening I learned to become quiet in my heart, and there met and dialogued with our living God!

Kitt gave a talk on "Self Image" to a group of Phil. Science High School students last January 6 in Tagaytay. So much pressure was required of them to excel in school. The faculty saw the need for these young people to learn that their self worth must be rooted in God's love for them and to seek to pursue change that goes deeper than merely telling themselves they're OK.
She gave a seminar on "Understanding the Sexually Abused" to a group of women at Christ's Commission Fellowship, St. Francis Square last February 8. She provided them an understanding of the dynamics of sexual abuse; it's lasting effects and the offer of hope and healing in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Kitt has been praying to attend Dr. Philip Ney's Conference/Training Institute in Canada or U.S. for further training in counseling those damaged by child abuse and pregnancy loss. The institute provides levels of training which will include certification to counsel, supervise and train others. Please pray for the much needed financial support.

· Maridi Nivera - At the retreat I came to a deeper  realization that I am God's beloved, and that means that I can be who I am ! What freedom ! What joy ! Experiencing God's love for me begins with the discipline of practising solitude of the heart. I am learning to be quiet within so that I can sense God's presence in everyday life and His delight in me. In turn, I am now free to respond to Him as His child, in a way that pleases Him, and fulfilling His heart's desire for me.
Maridi counsels married women and parents of teenage children at the center.


· Cita Salvador - During the retreat, the Lord gave me a fresh experience of His great love for me. That I am God's "beloved" is more real to me these days. I feel secure in His loving embrace. To His love I surrender and allow myself to be changed.

Cita recently concluded marriage counseling with two couples. One couple is ready to move on with life, with both husband and wife more aware of how they treat each other, and learning that love is an ongoing commitment towards each other's welfare. The other couple is stuck in their destructive cycle because one partner refuses to see himself as he really is and continues his abusive lifestyle.

· Chit Villegas - I have always sensed that there is something more to the Christian life other than attending worship services and doing ministry work for the Lord. My  personal walk with God has led me to a deeper knowledge and experience of Him and a life of dedication to ministry work for Him. The retreat has strengthened my belief that the love of God which He has shown in Jesus is the very foundation of my Christian life. It is in knowing and experiencing  His "belovedness" that is the very essence of my relationship with God. And out of this, ministry becomes an overflow of that love. The five days spent in times of silence, solitude and reflections has soaked me in the realization of how much I am loved, and being His "beloved." The culminating event, which was the Holy Communion, brought me into an even deeper realization (as never before) the extent of God's love for me.. As a resident counselor in my church, Word for the World, I consider myself in a ministry of discipleship. The retreat has deepened my conviction that ministry is all about loving people. And loving people is possible only through the Spirit of God's love.

Door of Hope Invades Cyberspace
Many virtual and real thanks to Ms. Marivic Francisco and Ms. Carrie V. Lim for linking Door of Hope into the new millenium through the webpage they designed. Visit our website at door-of-hope.1hwy.com.